I'm looking forward to marking 2009 off the "To Do" list. We did it. It was a rough, challenging year and I'm glad it's about over. The image in my mind is of Joseph (the Old Testament character), who was sold by his brothers, had a few moments of glory serving Potipher, then, was scandalized and thrown into prison. For years. I'm sure he marked the passing of days/weeks/months with tick marks on some stone wall. It felt good to do that I'm sure. A little sigh of relief mixed with a little angst. Relief that he made it through one more day/week/month with that little, teeny, tiny, dim spark of hope banked in the ashes of despair. And the deep breath of angst with the knowledge of how nothing new or eventful has happened and the surmising that it will probably go on like this. Forever. And how that angst would like to snuff out the spark. Living in the tension of those two feelings, everyday for what I believe was 17 years. Can you think back over the last 17 years of your life? That's a whole lot of time and events and people and lessons and hopes and discouragements and gloriies and sufferings and well...LIFE!

I am not saying my life is anything like Joseph's, but I can understand (however small that understanding is) some of his feelings. And even though I haven't lived in that tension on a daily basis for 17 years (Thank you, Jesus), I have lived in that tension almost daily for 2009. I'm not out of this dark place yet. I'm not sure 2010 will be any better, or any worse. I may just be marking off another year next year at this time. Who knows?

God knows. God knew how long Joseph was going to stay in that place. And then...well...and then....AND THEN!!!

I'm not looking for that sort of ending...being the #2 who is treated like a #1. What I am looking for is seeing God fulfill all He has planned for me. Joseph had a dream from God about his future. And even though sitting in a dark dungeon of a prison wasn't included in that dream, it definitely made Joseph who God needed him to be before God could fulfill that destiny. So, I guess I'll try to encourage myself and perhaps you if you're still in a dark place waiting for fulfillment. Embrace this time. Embrace this suffering. Embrace this tension. Go ahead and give up the dreams. Come to the end of yourself. If you lose the battle one day, it's ok. Even if it's a string of days that you feel you've lost. It's ok. Because see, there is this promise in the Bible that says "all things work together for the good for those who love God and who are called according to His purpose". We all have a call of purpose on our lives. And He causes ALL THINGS to work together for the good of us. Not just the good, ooey-gooey, all is great things, but also the life-is-crap things. Even our emotions would be included in that "ALL things". (I'm thankful for that, because, let me tell you, I think I'm the queen of emotion. I can vacillate between two opposing emotions so fast, it makes my head spin...my poor guys...)

Take joy in knowing that we are not forgotten by Him, even when we might feel that way. Whatever you or I may be going through right now, it too is a part of that. "That" being a purpose of His. He knows when we are done with a particular season of life and he brings new things to us and for us ultimately for Him. We just have to trust that He knows what He is doing and we don't have to know and we need to be ok with it. *SIGH. BIG SIGH*

Happy New Year.