I'm looking forward to marking 2009 off the "To Do" list. We did it. It was a rough, challenging year and I'm glad it's about over. The image in my mind is of Joseph (the Old Testament character), who was sold by his brothers, had a few moments of glory serving Potipher, then, was scandalized and thrown into prison. For years. I'm sure he marked the passing of days/weeks/months with tick marks on some stone wall. It felt good to do that I'm sure. A little sigh of relief mixed with a little angst. Relief that he made it through one more day/week/month with that little, teeny, tiny, dim spark of hope banked in the ashes of despair. And the deep breath of angst with the knowledge of how nothing new or eventful has happened and the surmising that it will probably go on like this. Forever. And how that angst would like to snuff out the spark. Living in the tension of those two feelings, everyday for what I believe was 17 years. Can you think back over the last 17 years of your life? That's a whole lot of time and events and people and lessons and hopes and discouragements and gloriies and sufferings and well...LIFE!
I am not saying my life is anything like Joseph's, but I can understand (however small that understanding is) some of his feelings. And even though I haven't lived in that tension on a daily basis for 17 years (Thank you, Jesus), I have lived in that tension almost daily for 2009. I'm not out of this dark place yet. I'm not sure 2010 will be any better, or any worse. I may just be marking off another year next year at this time. Who knows?
God knows. God knew how long Joseph was going to stay in that place. And then...well...and then....AND THEN!!!
I'm not looking for that sort of ending...being the #2 who is treated like a #1. What I am looking for is seeing God fulfill all He has planned for me. Joseph had a dream from God about his future. And even though sitting in a dark dungeon of a prison wasn't included in that dream, it definitely made Joseph who God needed him to be before God could fulfill that destiny. So, I guess I'll try to encourage myself and perhaps you if you're still in a dark place waiting for fulfillment. Embrace this time. Embrace this suffering. Embrace this tension. Go ahead and give up the dreams. Come to the end of yourself. If you lose the battle one day, it's ok. Even if it's a string of days that you feel you've lost. It's ok. Because see, there is this promise in the Bible that says "all things work together for the good for those who love God and who are called according to His purpose". We all have a call of purpose on our lives. And He causes ALL THINGS to work together for the good of us. Not just the good, ooey-gooey, all is great things, but also the life-is-crap things. Even our emotions would be included in that "ALL things". (I'm thankful for that, because, let me tell you, I think I'm the queen of emotion. I can vacillate between two opposing emotions so fast, it makes my head spin...my poor guys...)
Take joy in knowing that we are not forgotten by Him, even when we might feel that way. Whatever you or I may be going through right now, it too is a part of that. "That" being a purpose of His. He knows when we are done with a particular season of life and he brings new things to us and for us ultimately for Him. We just have to trust that He knows what He is doing and we don't have to know and we need to be ok with it. *SIGH. BIG SIGH*
Happy New Year.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I'm Waiting Here
That's right. I'm waiting.
People constantly ask me, "What are you going to do now?". This question is usually in response to them finding out James' employment status, which has a direct correlation to our circumstances/situation. Currently, James is once again, unemployed. That constant question is once again being asked. So what's my answer? I'm waiting. We are waiting.
It is very easy and sometimes gratifying to scramble around and work your mind into a lather trying to figure out the "what now". We are guilty of responding that way. Perhaps respond is too delicate a word to use. What I really mean is: react. We (me) typically react to things beyond our control. We (me) stay on the defensive and try our own strategies. We (me) try to figure it out and make our moves based on the circumstances. It's all I got to work with, right? Life keeps coming at me like the Steeler's Linebackers. Just a fast wall of large, mean, attack-hungry muscle with a mission to mow me over.
I currently feel beaten down. Discouraged. I want to give up. I'm a flattened pancake on the playing field. Send in the medics. Put me on a gurney. I'm an injured player. I've played this rough game for the last 6 years. It's been a close game; a riveting game. I'm done. I'm not strategizing. I'm not going to play with a limp. I'm going to lay here and wait.
The Bible talks about waiting on the Lord. "He who waits upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will walk and not grow weary." "He who waits on the Lord will rise up on wings of Eagles". "Be still and know that I am God". "I will make a way for you, I will make streams in the desert places". The God I believe in, that I am supposed to trust says, "I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and give you hope, not to harm you". This wounded warrior is going to wait on God. My plans have brought me enough harm. God has allowed it, but only to get me into His arms and to reveal His loving ways. Like a hurting child (and I am a child of God, as we all are, whether we know it or not), I will yell for my Daddy. God, my Daddy, promises to answer and come to all who call out for Him. Well, I'm laying here, in the rubble of this train-wreck life and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs because I REALLY HURT! I don't want to figure out anything. I want my Daddy! I want healing. And I'm not moving anywhere until He says.
I'm waiting. That's what I'm going to do now.
People constantly ask me, "What are you going to do now?". This question is usually in response to them finding out James' employment status, which has a direct correlation to our circumstances/situation. Currently, James is once again, unemployed. That constant question is once again being asked. So what's my answer? I'm waiting. We are waiting.
It is very easy and sometimes gratifying to scramble around and work your mind into a lather trying to figure out the "what now". We are guilty of responding that way. Perhaps respond is too delicate a word to use. What I really mean is: react. We (me) typically react to things beyond our control. We (me) stay on the defensive and try our own strategies. We (me) try to figure it out and make our moves based on the circumstances. It's all I got to work with, right? Life keeps coming at me like the Steeler's Linebackers. Just a fast wall of large, mean, attack-hungry muscle with a mission to mow me over.
I currently feel beaten down. Discouraged. I want to give up. I'm a flattened pancake on the playing field. Send in the medics. Put me on a gurney. I'm an injured player. I've played this rough game for the last 6 years. It's been a close game; a riveting game. I'm done. I'm not strategizing. I'm not going to play with a limp. I'm going to lay here and wait.
The Bible talks about waiting on the Lord. "He who waits upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will walk and not grow weary." "He who waits on the Lord will rise up on wings of Eagles". "Be still and know that I am God". "I will make a way for you, I will make streams in the desert places". The God I believe in, that I am supposed to trust says, "I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and give you hope, not to harm you". This wounded warrior is going to wait on God. My plans have brought me enough harm. God has allowed it, but only to get me into His arms and to reveal His loving ways. Like a hurting child (and I am a child of God, as we all are, whether we know it or not), I will yell for my Daddy. God, my Daddy, promises to answer and come to all who call out for Him. Well, I'm laying here, in the rubble of this train-wreck life and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs because I REALLY HURT! I don't want to figure out anything. I want my Daddy! I want healing. And I'm not moving anywhere until He says.
I'm waiting. That's what I'm going to do now.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Going Home
Home is Texas.
James' unemployment has been 7 months long and we are at the end of our lease house agreement. No jobs have come available up here. No jobs in TX have come available. We are still moving to Texas, regardless.
Please pray God would supply a job in Austin for James and we could put roots down there. Austin is the locale where we have always wanted to live (in TX). We've had our time in the Pac NW. It's been great! We have grown, have learned things, have thoroughly enjoyed the scenery and our friends up here. The beauty of this part of the country is astounding to us. We will miss so many things about Oregon. Our hearts are sad to leave Oregon, but happy to return to Texas. We look forward to being accessible to friends and family. Which is another reason we would like to live in Austin; it's between our clans. It's a 2 1/2 -3 hour trip to see our peeps in any direction. It would also afford us outdoor adventures, as we have grown accustomed to up here. Austin is full of creative people and offers some of the best music, food and scenery in TX.
We hope God will make a way for us to settle there. AND I MEAN SETTLE! This will be my 29th move. I want to live somewhere for longer than 18 months. I want to establish roots in a community and serve that community. We pray God would allow that community to be somewhere in the Austin area. If He gives us the desires of our heart , then he gave us that desire to live there...sooooooo.... ???
From our perspective right now, it looks like we will be moving at the beginning part of August. We need Jeep repair (or a new Jeep). We need some financial provision as well. We mostly need a whole lot of prayer. The thoughts of "should we hold out a little longer?", or "is now when we move back?" or "what if we miss God on this?" are all thoughts we struggle with. 1) We have realized last year that we would eventually move back to Texas; we just thought it would be a few more years. 2) James has "fished" in the job pool for 7 months with no catches and only 1 nibble (but it swam away). 3) Our house lease is up at the end of July and Jame's unemployment is up as well. He will have to file for an extension and hopefully they will approve it for another 13 weeks 4) We are debt free and could live out of our Jeep if we needed to.
Our uncertainty about whether or not James could find unemployment in Texas (ya'll remember the problems we had last time we lived there) nags at us. We will be living with my grandmother in Mineral Wells until James is gainfully employed. That can and most likely will take a toll on ALL OF US in that equation. Two young teenage boys, an uemployed man, a mom and a 90 year old woman living together sounds like fun times....for a limited time. :) We have no idea how long that will last. So much uncertainty. But staying up here with me supplementing unemployment (that will eventually run out) isn't so hot. The cost of living is significantly greater here and in TX, our money will go much further. Anyway, our brains have been worked into a lather. We have surrendered our will to God. "Man plans his ways, but God directs his path". Right now, we are planning on moving back to Texas (and hopefully settling in Austin), so God, we trust you will direct the path (and provide provision).
James' unemployment has been 7 months long and we are at the end of our lease house agreement. No jobs have come available up here. No jobs in TX have come available. We are still moving to Texas, regardless.
Please pray God would supply a job in Austin for James and we could put roots down there. Austin is the locale where we have always wanted to live (in TX). We've had our time in the Pac NW. It's been great! We have grown, have learned things, have thoroughly enjoyed the scenery and our friends up here. The beauty of this part of the country is astounding to us. We will miss so many things about Oregon. Our hearts are sad to leave Oregon, but happy to return to Texas. We look forward to being accessible to friends and family. Which is another reason we would like to live in Austin; it's between our clans. It's a 2 1/2 -3 hour trip to see our peeps in any direction. It would also afford us outdoor adventures, as we have grown accustomed to up here. Austin is full of creative people and offers some of the best music, food and scenery in TX.
We hope God will make a way for us to settle there. AND I MEAN SETTLE! This will be my 29th move. I want to live somewhere for longer than 18 months. I want to establish roots in a community and serve that community. We pray God would allow that community to be somewhere in the Austin area. If He gives us the desires of our heart , then he gave us that desire to live there...sooooooo.... ???
From our perspective right now, it looks like we will be moving at the beginning part of August. We need Jeep repair (or a new Jeep). We need some financial provision as well. We mostly need a whole lot of prayer. The thoughts of "should we hold out a little longer?", or "is now when we move back?" or "what if we miss God on this?" are all thoughts we struggle with. 1) We have realized last year that we would eventually move back to Texas; we just thought it would be a few more years. 2) James has "fished" in the job pool for 7 months with no catches and only 1 nibble (but it swam away). 3) Our house lease is up at the end of July and Jame's unemployment is up as well. He will have to file for an extension and hopefully they will approve it for another 13 weeks 4) We are debt free and could live out of our Jeep if we needed to.
Our uncertainty about whether or not James could find unemployment in Texas (ya'll remember the problems we had last time we lived there) nags at us. We will be living with my grandmother in Mineral Wells until James is gainfully employed. That can and most likely will take a toll on ALL OF US in that equation. Two young teenage boys, an uemployed man, a mom and a 90 year old woman living together sounds like fun times....for a limited time. :) We have no idea how long that will last. So much uncertainty. But staying up here with me supplementing unemployment (that will eventually run out) isn't so hot. The cost of living is significantly greater here and in TX, our money will go much further. Anyway, our brains have been worked into a lather. We have surrendered our will to God. "Man plans his ways, but God directs his path". Right now, we are planning on moving back to Texas (and hopefully settling in Austin), so God, we trust you will direct the path (and provide provision).
Monday, February 9, 2009
Married to God
Well, I'm not really married to God. But, after 25 years of being in relationship with God, one could draw some similarities to a marriage relationship. I am a bit happy to report that I am quite comfortable with God and the relationship we have. Even when I'm a stinker, He still loves me. I try not to act like a spoiled brat, most of the time, but every once in awhile, the inner brat flares up and is revealed. Anyway, that seems to be what happened most recently (the last 2 1/2 months). If you have read the previous blog entry, you will know that James was laid off during the Christmas holidays, we have to move and I now have a full time job.
For some reason, I saw all these things as impositions. Yes, in some way, they are. But in God's methodology of doing things, they're blessings (in disguise, as we say). Sometimes it takes a while to see it as God sees it. Perspective is everything and sometimes it takes time to get good perspective. It has taken me 2 1/2 months to gain God's perspective. I don't know the end purpose of all of these events. I don't know even know how long all of this will last. But instead of asking the typical "when", "why", "how long" or "what", I was challenged to ask "who". Who is God during these times? He wants to reveal His character. Personally, at the time, I didn't give a crap anymore. I've know God for 25 years. He is faithful. He is loving. He is just. He has no plans to hurt us. Etc. etc. blah, blah, blah. I'm sure you've heard (and know) it all too. I was just tired of the imposition. The lack of comfort. The physical and emotional turmoil of it all. And on top of all of that, I felt like God was jacking with my kids, too. Now that they're older and have their own little lives and perceptions. Let's just say I was pissed off. With God. And I let Him know.
Now, the beautiful thing here is that I let Him know. Some people aren't too sure about God and the relationship they have with Him. I know God. I know how stable my relationship is with Him. I could be angry with Him, but I wasn't going anywhere. No divorce here. No separation. I guess it was like when James and I have had that "big one" back in '99. It's not worth leaving over (after all, the Bible says divorce is usually caused by selfishness). I was selfish. I wanted it my way. James wanted it his way. Well, when it works this way with God, He usually wins. I know that. Everyone knows that. The problem was my selfishness and my lack of perspective. So, I continued with the "silent treatment" (immature, I know). Then with smart-ass remarks concerning Scripture verses. I'm telling you, I was horrid. And that was just warming up.
And this is who God was while I was a pain in the ass: Loving, forgiving, gently nudging me, acts of kindness, encouraging. Yeah, He would "make nice" with me. Little gifts here and there. They may seem insignificant to some, but during those rough days, I knew it was God's way of saying, "C'mon baby, I love you, won't you just let it go and trust me? I'm thinking of you and I want us to be back on loving terms again." There were several trinkets. There were gifts of love. There were "inside jokes" and "special verses". There were pleasant surprises.He allowed me to be that way and the whole time He had His arm around me and loved me through it.
Am I still pissed? No. Am I still impositioned? Yes. Is my comfort level challenged? Yes. Do I know "when", "why", "how"? No. Do I trust God's good character? Yes. After 25 years of living with Him and knowing Him and sharing my life with Him, I'm happy to report that I still love Him and am still learning new things about who He is. And He loves me, too.
Happy Valentine's Day.
For some reason, I saw all these things as impositions. Yes, in some way, they are. But in God's methodology of doing things, they're blessings (in disguise, as we say). Sometimes it takes a while to see it as God sees it. Perspective is everything and sometimes it takes time to get good perspective. It has taken me 2 1/2 months to gain God's perspective. I don't know the end purpose of all of these events. I don't know even know how long all of this will last. But instead of asking the typical "when", "why", "how long" or "what", I was challenged to ask "who". Who is God during these times? He wants to reveal His character. Personally, at the time, I didn't give a crap anymore. I've know God for 25 years. He is faithful. He is loving. He is just. He has no plans to hurt us. Etc. etc. blah, blah, blah. I'm sure you've heard (and know) it all too. I was just tired of the imposition. The lack of comfort. The physical and emotional turmoil of it all. And on top of all of that, I felt like God was jacking with my kids, too. Now that they're older and have their own little lives and perceptions. Let's just say I was pissed off. With God. And I let Him know.
Now, the beautiful thing here is that I let Him know. Some people aren't too sure about God and the relationship they have with Him. I know God. I know how stable my relationship is with Him. I could be angry with Him, but I wasn't going anywhere. No divorce here. No separation. I guess it was like when James and I have had that "big one" back in '99. It's not worth leaving over (after all, the Bible says divorce is usually caused by selfishness). I was selfish. I wanted it my way. James wanted it his way. Well, when it works this way with God, He usually wins. I know that. Everyone knows that. The problem was my selfishness and my lack of perspective. So, I continued with the "silent treatment" (immature, I know). Then with smart-ass remarks concerning Scripture verses. I'm telling you, I was horrid. And that was just warming up.
And this is who God was while I was a pain in the ass: Loving, forgiving, gently nudging me, acts of kindness, encouraging. Yeah, He would "make nice" with me. Little gifts here and there. They may seem insignificant to some, but during those rough days, I knew it was God's way of saying, "C'mon baby, I love you, won't you just let it go and trust me? I'm thinking of you and I want us to be back on loving terms again." There were several trinkets. There were gifts of love. There were "inside jokes" and "special verses". There were pleasant surprises.He allowed me to be that way and the whole time He had His arm around me and loved me through it.
Am I still pissed? No. Am I still impositioned? Yes. Is my comfort level challenged? Yes. Do I know "when", "why", "how"? No. Do I trust God's good character? Yes. After 25 years of living with Him and knowing Him and sharing my life with Him, I'm happy to report that I still love Him and am still learning new things about who He is. And He loves me, too.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
News Flash
O.K.
So here I write after 2 1/2 months. I am going to attempt to update everyone on our life. Right here. Right now. So, go get your coffee or your wine, your glasses, set your ipod to some melancholy music and read on.
The week before Thanksgiving, we found out, through certified mail from a lawyer's office, that this rental house is in foreclosure status. It is set to be auctioned in April. We contacted our leasing company to verify this. To this date, the leasing company still can't verify this information. Apparently, the owner of this house isn't being honest with them. Fortunately, we have had a couple of months to plan our "what next". Our lease terminates at the end of this month. From Thanksgiving through the middle of December, we started to look at houses to buy. We are ready to "settle down". We found a charming 1912 Craftsman house in downtown Hillsboro. This is the house we have our hearts set on. Period.
The week before Christmas, James was laid off from his job along with 6 other people. No severance pay (he hadn't been there a full year...only 4 weeks to go). He was able to apply for unemployment. No, it is not 70% of whatever you made. Myth busted. He has been actively looking for a job since then. No luck. So, going into January with the prospect of moving and the fact of being jobless left us wondering about so many different things and options. You can imagine.
The week of my birthday, James and I had talked about perhaps me finding a part time job. I was dreading the whole idea of retail work. And what office would hire a woman who had been out of the workplace for 14 years?! The day after this conversation, a friend of mine contacted me and informed me that the compounding pharmacy where she works was looking to fill a full/part time pharmacy technician position. Would I be interested? Well, I did go to nursing school for awhile and I do like health sciences. But I would have to be licensed to be a pharm tech. She said, I could get a temporary license and take a test within the year to become "certified". This is my best form of learning: hands-on. So, I went to apply and yes, I got the job. It's full time, not part time. It pays more than minimum wage (which in Oregon is more than the national requirement). James is now the stay-home-homeschooling dad. He is still looking for employment (here in the Portland area). We are each adjusting to new roles. Let me just say that we have gained a new appreciation for what the other has done for the last 14 years.
We are now about to move to another rental house. The individual is flexible in the leasing terms. We didn't have to sign a one year's lease. We are able to go 6 months and then month to month. Risky. Yes. But 2 bedroom apartment living with two, loud, tween-age, Texan sons wasn't sounding like a great option either. Plus, we would of had to pack everything into boxes and pay storage (which is expensive up here). We figured the amount of rent, storage and the emotional wear and tear of living in the apartment was more than we wanted to pay. The rental house in some sense, seems more reasonable. Especially given we don't know how long we will be in this situation. At least, the boys will have their space, and we'll have ours and we'll still be able to have friends over (which is a core value of our family).
We have had a relatively turbulent couple of months with so much adjustments. I think this has been the hardest thing to live through so far. Some of y'all know our past rides. Those were just preparation. This ride isn't over. I don't know how the economy is going to recover, if ever. There are still so many variables. I have learned that so much can change in a blink of an eye. And things are still changing. But! God's love and faithfulness is constant.
My next blog entry will be about how God and I weathered out the last 2 1/2 months. It wasn't pretty (on my part, anyway).
So here I write after 2 1/2 months. I am going to attempt to update everyone on our life. Right here. Right now. So, go get your coffee or your wine, your glasses, set your ipod to some melancholy music and read on.
The week before Thanksgiving, we found out, through certified mail from a lawyer's office, that this rental house is in foreclosure status. It is set to be auctioned in April. We contacted our leasing company to verify this. To this date, the leasing company still can't verify this information. Apparently, the owner of this house isn't being honest with them. Fortunately, we have had a couple of months to plan our "what next". Our lease terminates at the end of this month. From Thanksgiving through the middle of December, we started to look at houses to buy. We are ready to "settle down". We found a charming 1912 Craftsman house in downtown Hillsboro. This is the house we have our hearts set on. Period.
The week before Christmas, James was laid off from his job along with 6 other people. No severance pay (he hadn't been there a full year...only 4 weeks to go). He was able to apply for unemployment. No, it is not 70% of whatever you made. Myth busted. He has been actively looking for a job since then. No luck. So, going into January with the prospect of moving and the fact of being jobless left us wondering about so many different things and options. You can imagine.
The week of my birthday, James and I had talked about perhaps me finding a part time job. I was dreading the whole idea of retail work. And what office would hire a woman who had been out of the workplace for 14 years?! The day after this conversation, a friend of mine contacted me and informed me that the compounding pharmacy where she works was looking to fill a full/part time pharmacy technician position. Would I be interested? Well, I did go to nursing school for awhile and I do like health sciences. But I would have to be licensed to be a pharm tech. She said, I could get a temporary license and take a test within the year to become "certified". This is my best form of learning: hands-on. So, I went to apply and yes, I got the job. It's full time, not part time. It pays more than minimum wage (which in Oregon is more than the national requirement). James is now the stay-home-homeschooling dad. He is still looking for employment (here in the Portland area). We are each adjusting to new roles. Let me just say that we have gained a new appreciation for what the other has done for the last 14 years.
We are now about to move to another rental house. The individual is flexible in the leasing terms. We didn't have to sign a one year's lease. We are able to go 6 months and then month to month. Risky. Yes. But 2 bedroom apartment living with two, loud, tween-age, Texan sons wasn't sounding like a great option either. Plus, we would of had to pack everything into boxes and pay storage (which is expensive up here). We figured the amount of rent, storage and the emotional wear and tear of living in the apartment was more than we wanted to pay. The rental house in some sense, seems more reasonable. Especially given we don't know how long we will be in this situation. At least, the boys will have their space, and we'll have ours and we'll still be able to have friends over (which is a core value of our family).
We have had a relatively turbulent couple of months with so much adjustments. I think this has been the hardest thing to live through so far. Some of y'all know our past rides. Those were just preparation. This ride isn't over. I don't know how the economy is going to recover, if ever. There are still so many variables. I have learned that so much can change in a blink of an eye. And things are still changing. But! God's love and faithfulness is constant.
My next blog entry will be about how God and I weathered out the last 2 1/2 months. It wasn't pretty (on my part, anyway).
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