Married to God

Well, I'm not really married to God. But, after 25 years of being in relationship with God, one could draw some similarities to a marriage relationship. I am a bit happy to report that I am quite comfortable with God and the relationship we have. Even when I'm a stinker, He still loves me. I try not to act like a spoiled brat, most of the time, but every once in awhile, the inner brat flares up and is revealed. Anyway, that seems to be what happened most recently (the last 2 1/2 months). If you have read the previous blog entry, you will know that James was laid off during the Christmas holidays, we have to move and I now have a full time job.

For some reason, I saw all these things as impositions. Yes, in some way, they are. But in God's methodology of doing things, they're blessings (in disguise, as we say). Sometimes it takes a while to see it as God sees it. Perspective is everything and sometimes it takes time to get good perspective. It has taken me 2 1/2 months to gain God's perspective. I don't know the end purpose of all of these events. I don't know even know how long all of this will last. But instead of asking the typical "when", "why", "how long" or "what", I was challenged to ask "who". Who is God during these times? He wants to reveal His character. Personally, at the time, I didn't give a crap anymore. I've know God for 25 years. He is faithful. He is loving. He is just. He has no plans to hurt us. Etc. etc. blah, blah, blah. I'm sure you've heard (and know) it all too. I was just tired of the imposition. The lack of comfort. The physical and emotional turmoil of it all. And on top of all of that, I felt like God was jacking with my kids, too. Now that they're older and have their own little lives and perceptions. Let's just say I was pissed off. With God. And I let Him know.

Now, the beautiful thing here is that I let Him know. Some people aren't too sure about God and the relationship they have with Him. I know God. I know how stable my relationship is with Him. I could be angry with Him, but I wasn't going anywhere. No divorce here. No separation. I guess it was like when James and I have had that "big one" back in '99. It's not worth leaving over (after all, the Bible says divorce is usually caused by selfishness). I was selfish. I wanted it my way. James wanted it his way. Well, when it works this way with God, He usually wins. I know that. Everyone knows that. The problem was my selfishness and my lack of perspective. So, I continued with the "silent treatment" (immature, I know). Then with smart-ass remarks concerning Scripture verses. I'm telling you, I was horrid. And that was just warming up.

And this is who God was while I was a pain in the ass: Loving, forgiving, gently nudging me, acts of kindness, encouraging. Yeah, He would "make nice" with me. Little gifts here and there. They may seem insignificant to some, but during those rough days, I knew it was God's way of saying, "C'mon baby, I love you, won't you just let it go and trust me? I'm thinking of you and I want us to be back on loving terms again." There were several trinkets. There were gifts of love. There were "inside jokes" and "special verses". There were pleasant surprises.He allowed me to be that way and the whole time He had His arm around me and loved me through it.

Am I still pissed? No. Am I still impositioned? Yes. Is my comfort level challenged? Yes. Do I know "when", "why", "how"? No. Do I trust God's good character? Yes. After 25 years of living with Him and knowing Him and sharing my life with Him, I'm happy to report that I still love Him and am still learning new things about who He is. And He loves me, too.

Happy Valentine's Day.

News Flash

O.K.

So here I write after 2 1/2 months. I am going to attempt to update everyone on our life. Right here. Right now. So, go get your coffee or your wine, your glasses, set your ipod to some melancholy music and read on.

The week before Thanksgiving, we found out, through certified mail from a lawyer's office, that this rental house is in foreclosure status. It is set to be auctioned in April. We contacted our leasing company to verify this. To this date, the leasing company still can't verify this information. Apparently, the owner of this house isn't being honest with them. Fortunately, we have had a couple of months to plan our "what next". Our lease terminates at the end of this month. From Thanksgiving through the middle of December, we started to look at houses to buy. We are ready to "settle down". We found a charming 1912 Craftsman house in downtown Hillsboro. This is the house we have our hearts set on. Period.

The week before Christmas, James was laid off from his job along with 6 other people. No severance pay (he hadn't been there a full year...only 4 weeks to go). He was able to apply for unemployment. No, it is not 70% of whatever you made. Myth busted. He has been actively looking for a job since then. No luck. So, going into January with the prospect of moving and the fact of being jobless left us wondering about so many different things and options. You can imagine.

The week of my birthday, James and I had talked about perhaps me finding a part time job. I was dreading the whole idea of retail work. And what office would hire a woman who had been out of the workplace for 14 years?! The day after this conversation, a friend of mine contacted me and informed me that the compounding pharmacy where she works was looking to fill a full/part time pharmacy technician position. Would I be interested? Well, I did go to nursing school for awhile and I do like health sciences. But I would have to be licensed to be a pharm tech. She said, I could get a temporary license and take a test within the year to become "certified". This is my best form of learning: hands-on. So, I went to apply and yes, I got the job. It's full time, not part time. It pays more than minimum wage (which in Oregon is more than the national requirement). James is now the stay-home-homeschooling dad. He is still looking for employment (here in the Portland area). We are each adjusting to new roles. Let me just say that we have gained a new appreciation for what the other has done for the last 14 years.

We are now about to move to another rental house. The individual is flexible in the leasing terms. We didn't have to sign a one year's lease. We are able to go 6 months and then month to month. Risky. Yes. But 2 bedroom apartment living with two, loud, tween-age, Texan sons wasn't sounding like a great option either. Plus, we would of had to pack everything into boxes and pay storage (which is expensive up here). We figured the amount of rent, storage and the emotional wear and tear of living in the apartment was more than we wanted to pay. The rental house in some sense, seems more reasonable. Especially given we don't know how long we will be in this situation. At least, the boys will have their space, and we'll have ours and we'll still be able to have friends over (which is a core value of our family).

We have had a relatively turbulent couple of months with so much adjustments. I think this has been the hardest thing to live through so far. Some of y'all know our past rides. Those were just preparation. This ride isn't over. I don't know how the economy is going to recover, if ever. There are still so many variables. I have learned that so much can change in a blink of an eye. And things are still changing. But! God's love and faithfulness is constant.

My next blog entry will be about how God and I weathered out the last 2 1/2 months. It wasn't pretty (on my part, anyway).

Sometimes I live my life destination oriented; attempting to accomplish something physically or spiritually on the ever-on-going "To Do" list. But that isn't how I truly believe I ought to live life. Life is really more about a journey. The Bible tells us we are just sojourners, passing through, aliens to this world, awaiting our future home with God. We are supposed to live here with God, right now, as if we were on some backpacking adventure.

This picture to the left reminds me of that. If I were destination focused, I would choose the direction and do whatever necessary to get there (i.e: turn left, go straight just beyond the bend and STOP). I would also be more focused on getting there, that I would probably miss something along the way. To have, or to live, an eternity with God means I can slow down. The journey is something to be enjoyed. Eternity with God began for me 24 years ago when I came to know Jesus. My relationship with Him has been a journey. There have been plenty of forks, bends, beasts, flowers, vistas, valleys, climbs, rocks, communities, refreshments, scenic overlooks, not-so-scenic overlooks, thorns and briers. I have conversed with the Lord for 24 years along this path and I don't expect that conversation to end once this world is over. I'm just 24 years into my eternity with God.

Another interesting thing I have noticed in my journey is how sometimes one path actually meets back up with a path I may have passed along the way. Sometimes, I walk that path and end up back where I once was. Then I trod along a familiar path and sometimes notice new things. Maybe it's a different season, maybe I learned something new about the habitat and therefore see things in a new way or maybe I end up on the same path, but going to the opposite direction. Have you ever done that? Have you ever walked a path and then turn around and walk back the way from which you came? It's sort of a different view. Same path, different perspective. I rather like that.

I have also noticed that no matter how familiar I am with the path, the journey along the path is ALWAYS different! When I lived in the Woodlands, TX, we had trails that connected housing neighborhoods to each other as well as to schools and shopping areas and parks. There was a 3 mile loop near our neighborhood. I used to walk this trail or ride my bike along this trail. Needless to say, I was extremely familiar with it. I knew where the bridges were, the lakes were, the churches, the grocery store, the schools were. I walk that loop in about 35-40 minutes. But, every time was different. Sometimes I had company. Sometimes the weather was warmer or colder. Sometimes the foliage was different or there was a different season or light. All the variables changed but the trail remained a constant.

God knows the path I am walking. He goes with me. There is a destiny that He has in store for me. In the New Testament, Paul talks about laying hold of that for which Christ had laid hold of me. What is "that"? Must be my destiny in Jesus. So, I trust in Him, who is constant. And even though the variables in my journey are constantly changing and even sometimes the scenery changes, I trust God. He says He knows the plans He has for me , plans to prosper and not harm me, plans for a future (in the book of Isaiah). He gave David a beautiful psalm about being a sheep in the care of the Shepherd (Ps. 23). He also says he has new things in store for me that he reveals to me before they happen (also in Isaiah). As with everything God says, it always pivots on a relationship with Him. We weren't meant to go the journey alone. God always intended to be with us and even when mankind messed it up in the Garden, God made a plan to get us back into relationship with Him.

God is my trail guide. He's my friend. He's my good Daddy. He is my Saviour, my Redeemer. He's wild and He's good. His very creation speaks of that. I am happy to continue my eternal journey with God. So, I'll slow down and breathe, look around, be still, and listen. The destination part will happen because I'm on the pathway that leads there. The relationship and what I see on the journey is up to me.

Sucked Into Suburbia

My most recent musings are spurred by a question we ask at Life Group: How has suburbia sucked you in this week? Or, as I sometimes need to ask myself, "How has suburbia kicked my butt this week?".

I am speaking spiritually. We all know how we get sucked in physically. But, spiritually? Yes, it happens. Is it a bad thing? Well....let's think and talk about that.

Question 1) Is your worldview based on suburban mores or a biblical foundation?
BEFORE YOU ANSWER!!!... is your biblical foundation founded on suburban principles?

Question 2) Who is Jesus to you? BEFORE YOU ANSWER!!... I want to share a thought. Have you seen the modernist picture of Obama? The one with his mugshot in blue and orange and underneath, it says, "HOPE"? What if you put Jesus' face in that place? Shirt and tie and the whole shebang. Do you like that picture now? Did I just modernize/suburbanize Jesus?

Question 3) Do you ever wonder if you truly know Jesus or if you just know so much about him and his life that you think you know Jesus? BEFORE YOU ANSWER!!... There is so much sitting and listening in our suburban American churches that perhaps we have gotten "fat" in our spirituality ( perhaps a parallel to our physical life; mine at least). We hear what Paul says about us working out our salvation. What the ____ does that mean? I thought it wasn't about works?! Paul also talks about faith without works is dead religion. Hmmm.... And then there is all that stuff about Jesus and the cross and the work of the cross thrown in there. Which part justifies the other? What should come first? Why do we spend our time thinking about these ideas? Does it not just add more "fatness" to our life?

Now you see how suburbia kicks my butt in my spiritual life. I get so caught up in questions and doctrine and theology and asking what do I really believe and blah blah blah....

So, I guessed you got sucked in with me. It's so easy isn't it? The best thing to do now is to confess to God, and ask him about these questions. We should be still and know that He is God and listen for His answer, after all, His Word promises that he who seeks shall find. I want to know God and know Jesus; not just about them. And the best way to learn is BE in His presence.

Thin Places

I know a few years ago, during a small group setting, I talked about thin places. I had experienced a thin place at Ft. Worden beach in Port Townsend, Wa. back in 2005. It was real and life changing. I count it as a spiritual marker; a touchstone, in my walk with the Lord.

Here is what Marcus Borg in The Heart of Christianity says about thin places:

"Thin places (a metaphor found in Celtic Christianity) has its home in a particular way of thinking about God. Deeply rooted in the Bible and Christian tradition, this way of thinking sees God, 'the More', as the encompassing Spirit in which everything is. God is not somewhere else, but right here. In words attributed to Paul in the book of Acts, God is the 'One in whom we live, and move and have our being.' Note how the words work: we are in God, we live in God, we move and have our being in God. God is a non-material layer of reality all around us, right here as well as more than right here. This way of thinking thus affirms that there are minimally two layers of dimensions of reality, the visible world of our ordinary experience and God, the Sacred, Spirit.
But occasionally we do experience God shining through everything. Thin places are where these two levels of reality meet or intersect. They are places where the boundary between the two levels becomes very soft, porous, permeable. Thin places are where the veil momentarily lifts and we behold God, experience the One in whom we live, all around us and within us.
A thin place is anywhere our hearts are opened. To use sacramental language, a thin place is a sacrament of the sacred, a mediator of the sacred, a means whereby the sacred becomes present to us. A thin place is a means of grace.
What I wish to emphasize is how this notion helps us understand traditional Christian practices, both corporate and individual. My claim is that their central purpose is to become a thin place where our hearts are opened."


I have experienced that place where Heaven and Earth meet. I have experienced it in both a corporate setting and an individual setting. It truly is a means of grace. To see God shining through; to catch another glimmer of this multi-faceted God, is truly God gracing us. It amazes me how little I have to do with it. It isn't anything I can manipulate or control. If I just keep my heart right, He will surprise me with His holy presence.

Have you ever experienced a thin place?

poem: "Fire" by: Judy Brown

What makes a fire burn
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed in too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surley
as a pail of water.

So building fires
requires attention
to the spaces in between,
as much as to the wood.

When we are able to build
open spaces
in the same way
we have learned
to pile on logs,
then we come to see how
it is fuel, and the absence of fuel
together, that make fire possible.

We only need to lay a log
lightly from time to time.
A fire
grows
simply because the space is there,
with openings
in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.


This was a poem we read at our spiritual formation retreat.
How does this poem relate to your spiritual walk? What words or phrases speak to you?

Thankfulness in Crisis

Jesus.

I'm glad I know Him.

I read this article today about people who are killing themselves over this financial crisis. Some are jobless, have taken a big hit in the stock market, and are facing foreclosure of their home. And they killed themselves because of this. Have any of you read some of these stories?

I find the stories disturbing. It is sad. People who trust in this broken world's system. It's all they have (or had). I cannot imagine living without knowing where my trust lies. I trust in Jesus. I trust His words. I am thankful (the Bible tells me to be thankful in all things, for this is the will of God for me). I am thankful for my husband; he's my soul mate and best friend. I am thankful for my two children; they are healthy and bring such profound joy to my life. I am thankful for family; that there is such variety in personalities in one family is sometimes just plain astounding. I am thankful for friends; I get to choose my friends and I have quite a variety of them. I love having relationships. I think that is the key to a happy, successful life. Be careful how to define successful. In the end, most of the things in this world will burn as hay and stubble. There isn't anything that one can take with them when they die. Well, actually, one can take some things. They aren't tangible though. Relationships are the gold that Jesus talked about; the stuff that doesn't burn away or the moths eat. Relationships are based on love. And, well...love never fails.

My marriage survived joblessness, no savings, months behind on mortgage, deep credit debt and emotional turmoil. My trust in Jesus has never wavered. If we lose it "all", what I have I really lost? Do I still have family and friends? Do I trust God's word that He loves me so much, that He will provide? It may not always look like the provision I am accustomed to or even think I am entitled to (entitled.... there's another fault in thinking), but He does provide. I can testify to that.

I am in no way meaning to diminish the heartache of what we term "crisis". I do know, that I am stronger than I was two years ago because of the "crap". I am also wiser and my trust in the Lord is deeper. I am thankful I had a chance to toughen up and press harder into Jesus. My relationships are stronger, too. And because life tends to be cyclical, we are now gainfully employed, re-building savings, renting, and are about to be debt free. We have experienced some emotional healing (our marriage is stronger and healthier than ever before) and we haven't lost a single friend through any of it. In fact, our friendships became richer and deeper.

I love knowing Jesus and knowing that He still works miracles.