Monday, February 9, 2009

Married to God

Well, I'm not really married to God. But, after 25 years of being in relationship with God, one could draw some similarities to a marriage relationship. I am a bit happy to report that I am quite comfortable with God and the relationship we have. Even when I'm a stinker, He still loves me. I try not to act like a spoiled brat, most of the time, but every once in awhile, the inner brat flares up and is revealed. Anyway, that seems to be what happened most recently (the last 2 1/2 months). If you have read the previous blog entry, you will know that James was laid off during the Christmas holidays, we have to move and I now have a full time job.

For some reason, I saw all these things as impositions. Yes, in some way, they are. But in God's methodology of doing things, they're blessings (in disguise, as we say). Sometimes it takes a while to see it as God sees it. Perspective is everything and sometimes it takes time to get good perspective. It has taken me 2 1/2 months to gain God's perspective. I don't know the end purpose of all of these events. I don't know even know how long all of this will last. But instead of asking the typical "when", "why", "how long" or "what", I was challenged to ask "who". Who is God during these times? He wants to reveal His character. Personally, at the time, I didn't give a crap anymore. I've know God for 25 years. He is faithful. He is loving. He is just. He has no plans to hurt us. Etc. etc. blah, blah, blah. I'm sure you've heard (and know) it all too. I was just tired of the imposition. The lack of comfort. The physical and emotional turmoil of it all. And on top of all of that, I felt like God was jacking with my kids, too. Now that they're older and have their own little lives and perceptions. Let's just say I was pissed off. With God. And I let Him know.

Now, the beautiful thing here is that I let Him know. Some people aren't too sure about God and the relationship they have with Him. I know God. I know how stable my relationship is with Him. I could be angry with Him, but I wasn't going anywhere. No divorce here. No separation. I guess it was like when James and I have had that "big one" back in '99. It's not worth leaving over (after all, the Bible says divorce is usually caused by selfishness). I was selfish. I wanted it my way. James wanted it his way. Well, when it works this way with God, He usually wins. I know that. Everyone knows that. The problem was my selfishness and my lack of perspective. So, I continued with the "silent treatment" (immature, I know). Then with smart-ass remarks concerning Scripture verses. I'm telling you, I was horrid. And that was just warming up.

And this is who God was while I was a pain in the ass: Loving, forgiving, gently nudging me, acts of kindness, encouraging. Yeah, He would "make nice" with me. Little gifts here and there. They may seem insignificant to some, but during those rough days, I knew it was God's way of saying, "C'mon baby, I love you, won't you just let it go and trust me? I'm thinking of you and I want us to be back on loving terms again." There were several trinkets. There were gifts of love. There were "inside jokes" and "special verses". There were pleasant surprises.He allowed me to be that way and the whole time He had His arm around me and loved me through it.

Am I still pissed? No. Am I still impositioned? Yes. Is my comfort level challenged? Yes. Do I know "when", "why", "how"? No. Do I trust God's good character? Yes. After 25 years of living with Him and knowing Him and sharing my life with Him, I'm happy to report that I still love Him and am still learning new things about who He is. And He loves me, too.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

News Flash

O.K.

So here I write after 2 1/2 months. I am going to attempt to update everyone on our life. Right here. Right now. So, go get your coffee or your wine, your glasses, set your ipod to some melancholy music and read on.

The week before Thanksgiving, we found out, through certified mail from a lawyer's office, that this rental house is in foreclosure status. It is set to be auctioned in April. We contacted our leasing company to verify this. To this date, the leasing company still can't verify this information. Apparently, the owner of this house isn't being honest with them. Fortunately, we have had a couple of months to plan our "what next". Our lease terminates at the end of this month. From Thanksgiving through the middle of December, we started to look at houses to buy. We are ready to "settle down". We found a charming 1912 Craftsman house in downtown Hillsboro. This is the house we have our hearts set on. Period.

The week before Christmas, James was laid off from his job along with 6 other people. No severance pay (he hadn't been there a full year...only 4 weeks to go). He was able to apply for unemployment. No, it is not 70% of whatever you made. Myth busted. He has been actively looking for a job since then. No luck. So, going into January with the prospect of moving and the fact of being jobless left us wondering about so many different things and options. You can imagine.

The week of my birthday, James and I had talked about perhaps me finding a part time job. I was dreading the whole idea of retail work. And what office would hire a woman who had been out of the workplace for 14 years?! The day after this conversation, a friend of mine contacted me and informed me that the compounding pharmacy where she works was looking to fill a full/part time pharmacy technician position. Would I be interested? Well, I did go to nursing school for awhile and I do like health sciences. But I would have to be licensed to be a pharm tech. She said, I could get a temporary license and take a test within the year to become "certified". This is my best form of learning: hands-on. So, I went to apply and yes, I got the job. It's full time, not part time. It pays more than minimum wage (which in Oregon is more than the national requirement). James is now the stay-home-homeschooling dad. He is still looking for employment (here in the Portland area). We are each adjusting to new roles. Let me just say that we have gained a new appreciation for what the other has done for the last 14 years.

We are now about to move to another rental house. The individual is flexible in the leasing terms. We didn't have to sign a one year's lease. We are able to go 6 months and then month to month. Risky. Yes. But 2 bedroom apartment living with two, loud, tween-age, Texan sons wasn't sounding like a great option either. Plus, we would of had to pack everything into boxes and pay storage (which is expensive up here). We figured the amount of rent, storage and the emotional wear and tear of living in the apartment was more than we wanted to pay. The rental house in some sense, seems more reasonable. Especially given we don't know how long we will be in this situation. At least, the boys will have their space, and we'll have ours and we'll still be able to have friends over (which is a core value of our family).

We have had a relatively turbulent couple of months with so much adjustments. I think this has been the hardest thing to live through so far. Some of y'all know our past rides. Those were just preparation. This ride isn't over. I don't know how the economy is going to recover, if ever. There are still so many variables. I have learned that so much can change in a blink of an eye. And things are still changing. But! God's love and faithfulness is constant.

My next blog entry will be about how God and I weathered out the last 2 1/2 months. It wasn't pretty (on my part, anyway).